If you were Willy Wonka, what's the first candy that you would make?

Shoes, I would make a gummy shoe that you eat and then it morphs into a sort of silicone skin around your foot. So then you have a foot skin that's super thick, it's basically teflon wrapped in a silicon binding that's just on your foot after you eat it. Are you familiar with ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs?’ Are you familiar with the shoe spray? Are you picking up what I’m putting down? He had shoe spray, I’m making gummy shoes. You eat it and then you have shoes on your feet. It doesn’t even taste like anything. It has water, it hydrates. You can also run really fast it them, the Olympics are gonna have to ban them.

What’s your plan if the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow? What’s the first thing you’re doing?

A good buddy of mine, Bryan, I would grab him. He’s got a couple of trucks and a bunch of cousins. I would find my friend with the most cousins and bind them all together into one cousin circle to protect myself. I would give them all spears to throw at those undead motherfuckers. Then I would take my fist and drive it through the face of the first zombie I see. And then guess what else I would do? I’m going to the White House. Sorry Joe Biden, I don’t care. I’m coming in your front door and I’m knocking it down. I’m the president now. Everything is free, zombies are illegal, and I’m making weed illegal again.

What movie characters would you want to form a dodgeball team with?

Travis Bickle, Arthur Fleck, Tyler Durden, Michael Myers. Wait no, Mike Myers in the live-action ‘Cat in a Hat.’ With that mesh I have three crash outs and one middle ground. Actually I have a whole team of crash outs, I need some middle ground here. How about Adam Sandler from ‘Grown Ups.’ Specifically in the scene where he’s playing basketball. Thinking about it, some of these guys might be downers. I want Cat in the Hat, but Tyler Durden has to go. I’m making a new team. Cat in the Hat, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson from ‘Night at the Museum,’ Vince Vaughn, and my friend Bryan.

What's the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

I had a couple of dreams in succession that really shaped my life and made me who I am. Picture yourself in Tucson, Arizona. You don’t know exactly where you are, somewhere in the mountains. You, Dan Campbell, and six-foot-seven lizards were all over the mountains. And the melodies all over the fields spoke to you and rewired your brain. That was day one. Next Day. I was stuck in the wilderness, and there was a bear that talked to me. It said “Hey, I have an idea for a company. It might get you in some trouble, but it might work.” I asked “What is it?” and he said “You need to start going up to people and selling your technology.” I asked him “What’s my technology” and he said “If you build, they will come.” Flash forward to the third dream on the third night. I’m in my childhood bedroom. Brendan Fraser from ‘The Mummy’ comes up to me and tells me to take something. It's the technology. He implants it into my brain. I could see the fucking future. I could do anything. I could live all these lives. I could be who I finally wanted to be. And then I woke up. Or did I…

If we lived in a bartering society what would your currency be?

I’m actually already starting something similar on some land I bought in northern Michigan. A couple people are living with me and we’re doing this bartering sort of thing. What we use might be a little unorthodox, but we use human teeth. Say I wanted some spices from my neighbor, I would have to pull out a molar. Like a molar is two and a front tooth is one because looks don’t matter in my society. It’s more like what you have in your heart and what kind of technology you have. Animal teeth are kind of like change but the front teeth and molars. Those are the big ones.

If you were to take your brain out of your head and wash it, what would your process be?

I would be asleep. Like how are you gonna ask me what I’m gonna be doing while I’m asleep. But hypothetically if I wasn’t asleep. Dang… Probably I’d put Dr. Pepper on it because of all the bubbles and the 23 flavors. And then once you have it in there it’s in your heart too because your brain and heart are connected via nerves.

What’s the first thing you would do in the purge?

I’m going to a very affluent area. I’m introducing myself to every individual that I see. Maybe one of them is a tech company person. I say “Hey what’s going on guys Tommy here from Tommy Tech Tips. I was letting you know that I would really enjoy a job at your company. I haven’t planned this at all. This is a chance interaction.” and then they would tell me where they work. And then I could, you know, I would use their… I would cut off their face off and wear it and be them. I would wear their face to work and I would pretend to have their life and it would just be who I am. Then one day I’m driving home and I'm with my son, and he’s like “I know you're not my real dad.” And I’m like “I am your real dad because this is my face” and he asks “Oh really? Then why can I do this?” and he pulls my face off. And my real face is underneath. He then grabs the steering wheel of the car, and we’re in California so it's a steep road and we crash the car. Turns out he was actually the guy I stole the face from pretending to be my son and it was him the whole time. That's just what I think about every night. A little glimpse into my reality. Most people wouldn't understand.

If you were taxidermied after you die where would you want your body to be placed?

Probably like the Arby’s on Eight Mile. I would want to be on a dirt bike jumping a bunch of Volvos. Like lined up hung up in the air by a crane in front of the Arbys. And there's constant pyrotechnics going on. Arbys is gonna fund all of it too, like I just got signed to them, so who are they to say no? It would be kind of fucked up to all the fans of Arbys if they didn't you know? Bullshit corporate greed if they don't. I should honestly get that in writing somewhere now that I’m thinking about it.

What would you do if you were an alien abducting people?

Well I’m not an alien. I don’t know where you got that from. But in a purely hypothetical world I would find someone who’s really swagged out. Then I would get their mechanisms that they use for rizz. Then I’d pick someone really pretty and get them in my spaceship. Then I’d basically use my rizz that I learned from the guy I abducted beforehand. And I’d learn to talk to the person I found really attractive, and from there you can really talk to anybody. After that I’d start abducting people and wearing their skin and I’d probably do that for a year. At least until I get a job at a tech company.

If you could start a magazine what would it be about?

Rollerblade Weekly. It would just be pictures of babes and stuff riding around with animals. I don’t mean babes in the way that you typically picture babes. Going back to the alien thing, it could be anyone, they just have to meet certain requirements. The shoots are super specific. And when you have these dangerous animals and these rollerbladers, sometimes the personalities don’t mix. I wouldn’t even begin to fathom what it would be like to be a model at one of the shoots. If I think about it for more than a couple of seconds, like what it would be like to be them, to be in their skin, I get scared.

What artists do you think people reading this should check out?

Chase Plato. Rozey makes super cool crazy loud music. There’s this band I really fuck with called eSex. Gabby Start, obviously, he’s the gizzoat. Caleb Peters is incredible. Then I’ll end it with MGNA Crrrta and roseville sucks