If you could be an animal for a week and be guaranteed to survive, which animal would you want to be?

I have two answers, I think for the most part I would want to be a dog. They just eat, shit, sleep. Say less. They don’t have a care in the world. I could go dig out a bone in the backyard. That sounds lit as hell. Then if for whatever reason I couldn’t be a dog I’d want to be an elephant. I feel like that would be crazy. An elephant in the wild just seeing shit go down. The little tusks, the long nose, the whole nine. That shit would be crazy. Big as hell too, if anyone tries to step up to me it’s like “what are you doing, I’m an elephant.” And with them ears, the mix is boutta be crazy.

What's the best meal/food you’ve ever had?

Like a year ago, I went on a cruise with my family, and there's this place on the boat. It’s literally only on Carnival Cruise ships. Not sponsored, not #ad, but Guy Fieri’s burger joint on the boat was crazy. The burger isn’t even that crazy, it’s literally just a cheeseburger with an onion ring and barbeque sauce. But I shit you not, that was the best burger I’ve ever had in my life. The entire week we were on the cruise that was like the only thing I could eat. I cannot explain it with words because it makes it sound like it’s just a cheeseburger, but it was so much more than that.

What mythical creatures would make the best roommates?

Not a werewolf. Definitely not a mermaid, that water bill would be crazy. I might say dwarf. I don’t really know why, but they just have a good vibe. You think they have little electronics? Like small laptops and small little lamps? I would hope so because none of the utility bills would be crazy. They could take a bath in the sink or something. I think late night conversations with a dwarf would be fire too. Especially if they popped through a portal to Southern Illinois for some reason. Like the stories they could tell you about an alternate dimension. I’d be pissed if I went through a portal and had to deal with bills though. Wait till he hears about the Donald Trump assassination attempt. 

If you got wrongfully convicted and thrown in prison would you attempt to break out?

Just like that dwarf I’d be mad as hell. Honestly, I’d probably just lawyer up. I don’t really know what I’d do but I don't think that I would be able to break out or anything.

I’m gonna give you a list of animals and I want you to tell me what hat you think would look best on that animal.

Okay, I’m already looking up hat types and animals. I’m ready.

Turkey - Bowler hat. I don’t know why, I think I’m thinking of like the Thanksgiving turkeys that wear Pilgrim hats but I think a bowler hat would fit them better.

Dolphin - Propeller hat. I don’t even need to look at the list of hats. Wear it in front of the blowhole too so that they spin it when they blow air.

Chimpanzee - Quick shoutout to chimpanzees. I think they get a straw hat. They give me straw hat vibes.

Buffalo - Instinctually a backwards baseball hat. Just over the horns too.

Goose - First of all fuck geese, they’re annoying as shit. What's the most annoying hat? You know what, give the goose a fedora.

Sheep - Oh a bucket hat for sure. Sheep just seem like so chill. Look up sheep and tell me that they are not chill. Now imagine a sheep in a bucket hat. So chill.

If you could create an invention to help you with a mundane task what would it be?

Well, at the moment if I could create a robot of myself that would be hype. I have this online class that I have to go to and if I could get a robot to just give me the TLDR of what's going on that would be great. I’m so glad I made it out of high school before Corona hit because I’ve been dealing with this for 3 days and it blows.

What's your ideal treehouse?

Personally I would never want to live in a treehouse. I’m way too attached to my computer and air conditioning. That being said, if you give me a 20x20x8 cube with a generator. Give it a patio around it and have it be 10 feet in the air. I would be happy. Fuck ladders though. I would want a spiral staircase going around the trunk to get up there.

What are your top 5 juices?

1. Orange Juice

2. Orange Juice

3. Orange Juice

4. Orange Juice

5. Orange Juice

If you could set up a pay per view fight between any cartoon characters, which would you want to see fight?

Timmy Turner. Jimmy Neutron. We saw them in 3 movies but they all got resolved. I need to see blood get spilled. Somebody has to win. Timmy Jimmy Power Hour 4 on pay per view in the ring. Cosmo and Wanda are allowed just because Timmy is so smart. If it was just Timmy vs. Jimmy, Jimmy would win every time. With Cosmo and Wanda there it’s honestly a toss up.

What food would make the best weapon?

Off the top of my head a watermelon. Just the absolute heft of a watermelon could do some damage. Also a pumpkin, in the same vein. It depends on the circumstances how many people I could take out but always at least one. Like if I drop it on someone it might just be a one for one. I don’t think I could get any collateral damage with that. But if I had infinite watermelons… that might be what I went to jail for. Maybe it wasn’t a wrongful conviction at all.

What artists do you think people reading this should check out?

First of all shoutout sketchywav. One of my top 3 inspirations. Dude is insane structurally, melodically, I don’t even know the dude is just insane. Then also toastywav and I have all the same things to say about them as sketchywav. Then big shoutout underscores and Jane Remover. Shoutout trndytrndy, their new EP is phenomenal. Shoutout to swazy*, wishlane, corefish, and oldcolin of course. Shoutout to jauntsen, 4cf, and leyton. Really just all of my collaborators.